How do I forgive someone who refuses to apologize?!
If only we knew that
refusing to forgive quenches the Holy Spirit (in us) (1 Thessalonians 5:19).
How can I forgive someone who rejects me and tries to hurt me?
It makes no sense to forgive someone who keeps setting traps for me, and to pray for him.
That is an objection I have often heard from people.
And this objection stirred up in them resentment, anger and a desire for revenge on the other person rather than forgiveness. Because, in their view, he deserves neither pardon nor forgiveness, being so pleased with himself.
But if only everyone knew and understood what these people came to understand when they discovered the truth about forgiveness and its fruits!
If only all who are wronged and attacked, everyone who has been struck on the right cheek, truly knew:
1. That refusing to forgive produces bitterness and resentment in the soul and kindles a fire of anger that burns only the one who carries it. It burns him from within, and its flames never reach the one we refuse to forgive.
Unforgiveness and bitterness are two sides of the same coin,
because it is the one who does not forgive who is struck with bitterness and eaten up by the fire of resentment.
So let us ask ourselves: when I refuse to forgive someone who has wronged me, who feels the bitterness and brings condemnation and sin upon himself? The one who wronged me, or I who refuse to forgive?
The one who attacked me is a sinner, no doubt about it; but when I refuse to forgive him, bitterness takes root in my heart and stays there a long time. And so I bring sin upon myself for nothing.
• “If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
We hear many stories of people who carried their resentment against those who had wronged them for long periods, even for many years. In the previous generation, some died after living in hostility all their lives.
Families and clans pass down resentment and anger and spend their lives in bitterness and fury, sometimes for trivial reasons. Murders and acts of revenge have happened and still happen for trivial reasons, and most of them come from refusing to forgive.
On the other hand, my unforgiveness is a breach of God’s commandment, for he has tied his forgiveness of me to my forgiveness of the one who wronged me:
“If you do not forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will not forgive your trespasses.”
And when I do not forgive, my sins increase. In this way I leave a wide door open for the devil to come in and play with my life, because I am doing his will. He will even make me feel satisfied, feeding my resentment and encouraging my anger and my desire for revenge on the one who attacked me.
Today, when we see so many people living far from God, we understand why accepting forgiveness is so hard for them.
We must train ourselves to accept forgiveness through prayer and petition to the Lord, asking him to grant us this divine gift so that we may practise it with more ease and conviction, believing that forgiveness is peace of heart.
If only we knew that unforgiveness can cost us the life of paradise and the kingdom of heaven.
We must always seek to forgive, and that is only possible once we have received Jesus’ love into our hearts and are striving every day to please him.
It is our love for our heavenly Father that gives birth in the soul to the love of forgiving those who have wronged us.
Let us add to our prayers a petition for the grace of forgiveness, for we can do nothing without the help of the Holy Spirit.
Our life and its purpose is to acquire the Holy Spirit, for through him we can pass through all the enemy’s traps, trample his temptations and be victorious.
So let us open our hearts and make them a vessel for the Spirit of God.
And let us experience those blessed moments when the Holy Spirit speaks through you and you say to the one who wronged you, with joy and peace: “My brother, my sister, I apologize to you. And I in turn forgive you; I will hold no grudge against you; I forgive you because I love you as Christ loved me, forgave me and pardoned my sin. And I ask you to forgive me, because perhaps I was the one who provoked you and pushed you to hurt me.”
And the more delicate the situation and the more you feel the urge not to forgive, know that the Holy Spirit will multiply blessings for you if you overcome your weaknesses and side with God’s love for you.
He has commanded us:
“Bear with one another and forgive one another if anyone has a complaint against another. As Christ has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” (Colossians 3:13)
How beautiful it is to open the doors of our hearts and release everyone we keep imprisoned there because we have not forgiven them! To free them, to free ourselves from unforgiveness, and to be filled with God’s love always.
So the loss falls on the one who does not forgive: he is the one who will be judged for his lack of love for his brother.
Be careful: the other person who wronged you may be sliding toward the abyss because of his lack of love for you and the harm he did you. But do not tie yourself to him and let him drag you with him to his dark fate. When we refuse to forgive him, we tie ourselves to him and let him drag us with him toward the abyss. Then our fate is the same: oppressor and oppressed together, toward judgment and eternal punishment.
Forgiveness heals the wound that others have left in us.
Father Boutros El Zein
